They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
