shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
