three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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