You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
