You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
