I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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