There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
