Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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