can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
