I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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