My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
