The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We need to get me chipped asap
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
