I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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