Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
