Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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