I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
As shirtless as possible
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
