When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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