mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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