3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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