Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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