these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
