if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
