Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
