Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
