Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
