I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
