This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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