Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize