omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
operation harelip BJ is a go
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
