Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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