this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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