Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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