i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
