I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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