I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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