wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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