i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize