i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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