Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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