you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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