so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize