How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize