Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
