then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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