I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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