I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
