Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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