We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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