I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
