sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
