Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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