I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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