Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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