im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
