There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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