Tell her she can't have a vagina
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
